I don't know when I changed. I know I started to plan for it, hide it, justify it, discuss it with excuses, lies, shame, became reckless in ways I wouldn't have before.
Today was a painful day of the good and the bad clarity. I enjoy these days overall because they help me see things for what they are. Even though my empty house is hard to come home to now, and it feels lonelier lately. I don't particularly feel bonded to anyone I work with, but it provides some minimal human contact.
I stopped at the grocery store tonight on the way home from the gym to grab spinach and bunch of fruit. I have recently replaced my nightly habit with smoothies and tea for now.
In the corner of that store is a beautiful wine section that I know shelf by shelf is stocked with my preferred bottles. I didn't beeline for it as I would before and grab my two bottles of red.
Your response brought on a few tears tonight as have a few others today...it's just one of those days. I want to remember how it felt to enjoy waking up and liking myself. For quite some time now I have not enjoyed much, and I certainly haven't liked myself.
I want to be proud of myself...and although no one in my professional or personal life really knows much because I have hid all of this, I feel like a farce. So, I am making the change my life. Even though it feels like climbing a sand dune with a 50 lb. rucksack on my back.
I have had a few bad nights in the last couple of months that should be enough to change my behavior, and I am grateful for it leading me here. I don't remember my last drunk, but I have a list a page long of some awful nights in the past two+ years that I wince at remembering. Grateful to be scared, tired, and sick of feeling stuck and panicked.
Very grateful that people all over the planet are kind enough to help and encourage those that are struggling on their own.