Oh, God, Love Hurt I really feel like I was in your shoes. I could have written your words: "I fantasize not about another man but about another life. I am pretty miserable and yet he gets to drink it all away! I am sad for my kids! And I feel like a failure. I am supposed to honor my vows."
I remember one day when he said "hey, we're doing okay, aren't we?" and I said, "are you kidding? I want the last 4 months of my life back."
An active alcoholic will keep us on the roller coaster as long as they can; it's up to us to step off, for ourselves and for the sake of our children. I can tell you now, 14 months after leaving my STBXAH, that I am incredibly glad that I stopped showing my daughters that a wife's role is to put up with abuse. It isn't. We have to stand up for ourselves and get out, for our own sake and for our children.