Happy Ash Wednesday Folks!
As I enter Lent I find myself reflecting over the past year and all the changes that it has brought. A year ago today, I found myself in church getting ashes smeared on my forehead and making a very private commitment to abstain from alcohol for the next 40 days. That commitment was both sincere and unrealistic as I had not yet admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. 2 days later I was drinking and had my first real awakening that I may have a problem with alcohol. This sent me seeking and by April I had found SR and registered as a member-strictly lurker status. April 29th was my first post and Day 1. I had no idea at the time what I was getting myself into. I thought it was about not drinking. Abstaining. That's sobriety right? I had no concept of recovery; what it was, what it required, or how much work would need to go into living a life recovered.
Looking back, I have no doubt that I was an alcoholic. Sobriety and recovery have brought much clarity into my life along with presence, joy, and pain. It's been somewhat of a rollercoaster of up's, down's, twists and turns.....and has required much more than sheer abstinence. Life was supposed to get better without the booze right?
Well yes and no. Off the top of my head I can list several things that immediately improved upon abstinence: decrease in fighting with the hubs, saving money, no hangovers, no guilt, better work performance & personal hygiene. On the flip side, I experienced: fatigue, irritability, anxiety, mood swings, & I became acutely aware of the existence of my AV-which was going ape @#$%. It took months for me to level out physically & emotionally but I steadily began to feel better, stronger. I had arrived right? Sobriety-this is it!
Not so fast Sim, now it was time for recovery....except I didn't know what that at the time. All I knew was that the baggage from my past was resurfacing and I was in pain. All of a sudden my AV had a resurgence. Little bastard. But I managed to limp along white knuckling my way through until I couldn't anymore. My house of cards was falling and I relapsed. 206 days of sobriety went straight down the toilet....or so I thought.
Turns out it wasn't like starting completely over. I had done a lot of work after all and I had built up some sober muscles. So back on the wagon I went. Day 1 again-FML. This was my 2nd awakening. This time I awakened to recovery and this is what I have found.....
In life, pain is not optional but suffering is. Suffering is pain without a purpose. Suffering is being caught up in the throws of an addiction that you can't even recognize because you are able to maintain full-time employment and "take care of business", despite your dysfunction. Suffering is trying to outrun your pain day, after day, after day. Suffering is never being able to live to your full potential because you can't stay sober long enough to gain any type of clarity in your life. This is suffering.
Recovery can be painful at moments but it is pain with a purpose. It's a coming home to oneself. Like revisiting your childhood home, where it's still the same but somehow different. It's a place where you choose to release the past because you're not that person anymore and you embrace today because it is the foundation of tomorrow.
That's where I am today, 1 year later. I've come home. As it turns out, it's a bit of a fixer upper. I've got a leaky roof, peeling paint, and there's some weird smell I can't find the source of just yet, but God, it's good to be home.