Dating a Recovering Addict
Hello, I posted in the newcomers forum but I thought I would post here too to see what other responses I would get.
I met someone a few months ago and it was amazing. He was everything I could ever ask for in a partner. Things were going really well and really quickly. Within 2 months, he moved in with me. I even met his family. He told me when we first dated that he has a history with opiate addiction but he is in recovery and has been clean for 6 months. I didn't really know anything about this and decided I will still give him a chance because it was a part of his past.
I was so wrong. He relapsed within a month of living with me and I confronted him. He denied it of course. I got other people involved and he agreed to move to a sober-living house. I watched him detox on his own and helped him move his things out. We agreed to continue our relationship but I could tell he was really ashamed of himself and was really unsure about us. That hurt because I was so in love with him and I couldn't get myself to let him go. I realize now that I am codependent and plan on attending Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings to help me learn how to take care of myself. Currently, I am reading Codependent No More and it has been really helpful.
He recently told me he can't drag me down this road with him and he just couldn't live with himself hurting one more person in his life. He said he always worked on his recovery for other people but this time he wants to work on it for himself. He said if I'm part of his life, I will be a distraction and he will get sober for the wrong reasons. He said that he can't love me right now because he doesn't even love himself right now. He also said that he didn't want the label of a relationship because he is unable to take care of me right now and it would hurt his pride. He has not been sober a whole year and he has been battling this for 10+ years. Right now, I feel severely alone and depressed. I am trying my best to fill my time by keeping myself busy but I can only do so much until I feel so broken again.
Anyways, I agreed to give him space so we decided to stay friends as we still go to church together every Sunday. We also decided we would re-evaluate the relationship once he is clean for 90 days. I am using this time apart from him to work on myself and my codependency issues and giving him the time and space he needs to work on his recovery.
I have a few questions about all of this. Is it right for me to hope that something could work out between us later on down the road? I plan on setting boundaries by still limiting how often we see each other and taking things extremely slow if we end up together again. I am learning how to do that through meetings, books, journaling, and lots of prayer.
Something that would also help me is knowing what early sobriety looks like and feels like. Recovering addicts, what sorts of emotions were going through your head during the first few months? I met him when he was about 6 months clean - is there a chance he will be like that again when he's clean 90 days?