Thank you for the replies everyone, I appreciate it. Woke up to the hound standing on top of me panting and pawing to be toileted, fed & walked ... made me chuckle, nice way to wake up.
Phoenix,
I am going to the occasional AA meeting, still finding my confidence there as I haven't gotten up to speak yet but have met some people & I will stick at it. The dog walks do help.
MissPerfumado,
I appreciate your concern but I'm not going to act on anything, my 'suicide' would just be picking up booze / drugs again, which I'm not planning on. I do have people I can talk to but I find vulnerability almost impossible atm, stiff upper lip and all that. Easier for me to stay anonymous here, on the ze interwebs.
Grymt,
Perfect. THANKYOU. I haven't done any eastern mindfulness type practices for yonks and they have been my salvation in the past I had just forgotten they were there.
D122y,
I hear you < I'm yet to hear a successful moderation (from alcho to healthy) story either, patience is key.