I have to say though that compared to MCB's population of under 4,000, the small city I lived in for 2 years was ginormous compared to her's at a whopping 19,000 and change. I am telling you that there was me not doing ONE thing publicly that I did not hear about on Friday or Saturday night at the ONE watering hole we had (that you felt okay going to). Or I was guaranteed to hear about it on Sunday morning when we would start our golf foursome at 7:30 am and play 36 holes. Of course, back then (in my late 20's) we had a few pops before we even tee'd off. In fact, the cliche was that everyone knew what I did before I had even thought about what I was going to do.
So, if I was employed in ANY position that was important for my income and reputation, and if back then I had 'crossed over' to that point where I was no longer able 'to have just one', there is no way that I would have come close to AA in that town. And I am certain that if they had an AA meeting, it would have been sparsely populated. And I am here to tell you, that I am an AA HONK, I love AA, AA has saved my life, literally. But "What's is said here stays here" is bonk. The meeting leader one day (after one of the very times that I stayed after the meeting to just relax in peace and quiet) came up to me, introduced himself, and started telling me his story and proceeded to talk poorly about two men who had shared that day, telling me that "They like to talk a good talk, but I am telling you that they were both lying through their teeth". A single accidental "Hmmmph" out of me must have indicated my approval as he went on to tell me what her personally knows about one of the mens daily lifestyle habits, since he lived in the same apartment property as the one dude lived in. I finally had to just politely excuse myself, then promised myself that I would NEVER share in any meetings anything that I did not expect to be shared with others outside of AA.
So for fun I just googled AA (the city I lived in) and there are presently only 5 meetings a week, on Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. One meeting on each day. And the population is up over 25,000 now with the energy sector causing that town to swell over the last 5 years or so. When I lived there it was a depressed oil and gas town, so I imagine the number of meetings then would have been even fewer.
In fact, in all honesty, even though back then I was running a business there that my father had purchased (not a big deal trust me, and thank God for the low cost of living in that town and being single), if I KNEW that I had a drinking problem and needed help, I can most likely bet that I would not have stopped drinking, since anyone that I knew in town which included friends I had made, were all drinkers, and I would have in no way been a 5th wheel back then risking what people would 'say' about me. Even though it would not matter what people said, to me it would have mattered. I think I would have quickly gone mental having to deal with that.
IN NO WAY am I comparing my situation to MCB's, it is just that that last comment I read from Eddie caused me to internally analyze what I 'might' and most likely would have done back then if I HAD to get sober. In fact, I can put myself in that city NOW, with 25,000 plus people, and guarantee you that I would not risk going to AA for all the reasons I stated. BUT, that is just me.
So, I sympathize with ANYONE who lives in a small town and 'might' need to worry about what publicly acknowledging that they have a drinking problem might do to their job situation and circle of friends they have. For me it would not be worth the risk. I know though that I would find every freaking online help group, AA and others, and be online with them. But I would keep my camera lens covered on my laptop for fear that someone else in my small town would be in the group as well (online) and I would be certain that I would soon hear about how it was known that I was "In AA".
I keep my secrets now in AA, and I am doing okay. I will never say I am doing "Fantastic", since the false dream and hope of feeling "Fantastic" is not realistic to me. But me "doing okay, and doing fine" is my fantastic place. I just no longer put that 'rainbow's and unicorns' carrot out there for me, and the 'spiritual awakening' and 'experiencing the miracle' pressure on myself. I did not drink yesterday, and so far today I have not had a drink, so I am a miracle to myself, and this is daily miracle to me that I could never have thought would truly happen when I was at my bottom and struggling early on to first get 24 hours of sobriety, then 30 days, then my 59th day failed me twice, then finally I got traction. When it was that hard for me to get to this point, I wake up thanking God for the miracle of me not drinking yesterday, and pray that I have the strength to not drink today. For me it is that simple.
We are so fortunate today to have the internet and SR. I would never let any of you know who I really am. I am that private a person. But I can be me here, I can be honest here, and it is truly a blessing.
This turned into another brain dump for me, and I guess it was necessary. Nothing I said is a comparison to anyone else, nor a criticism of what anyone has said. It is simply a commentary of myself, a personal honest and necessary vomiting of my 'stinking thinking' today, following 3 days of being very very low with drinking on my mind, and an absolutely horrifically terrifying drinking dream that woke me of me chugging Crown Royal straight from the bottle. I am not even a Crown drinker. So I take each minute of sobriety as a pure blessing. Since I know that for me taking just one sip could be it for me.
Peace!