It's my belief that when a relationship has deteriorated into an ongoing power struggle as to who's doing more for whom and how much and both parties are constantly unhappy that it's broken beyond reasonable hope of repair.
Sometimes it helps to go back and reread our own words. Here's a link to your threads, going back almost a year now...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7599349
I'm not 100% a Dr. Phil fan, but there's one thing he says: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Seems like she wants to be right.
She is at her core an unhappy person. It doesn't matter if she's smoking or not or whatever. Those are excuses to be emotionally abusive to you, dancing around trying to make her feel loved. Yikes.
She is who she is. The question is whether that's how you want to live.