ljc, I think you nailed it in your post, cradle to grave! Not much to add except my own experience. Not once have I had the ability to drink in moderation when I finally turned. I think we might be all different about if we turned or not, or if we have always been an Alchi, it is so subjective and for me does not matter. All I know is that I was able to drink and stop, then somewhere in my early 40's (54 now) that stopped. I guess like almost anything that changes, there is a specific point in time when it changes. My personal opinion is that we have all ALWAYS been alcoholics, we just advanced to the stage on 'non-control' at different ages, be it 10 years old (ouch) or you name it. Until there is scientific proof, who really knows. What I DO know, is that without a doubt, I have proved to myself over and over again that I can't do moderation.
I proved this with 3.6 yrs sobriety, had a weekend golf trip planned with 'the boys', and 'pre-planned' on drinking socially. I knew (had truly convinced myself) that I was either fixed, cured, or was never really an alcoholic, I simply needed the 3.6 years to 'get time' past some tough 'life-stuff' and I was now good to go. Absolutely without a doubt, I remember the first sip. It was a gin and tonic, lot's of gin and little tonic and no ice, and I was/am mostly a beer/wine drinker. I knew on that first sip that I was not in control, but I would 'manage it' when I got back home. The 'managing part' lasted about 3 months. I COULD NOT just have one, and ALL the behaviors from when I first got sober immediately returned, the thinking about the drink, the obsession, the anxiety, then the sheer temporary joy of that first drink promising myself I would 'moderate' this day, then the next morning the utter guilt and hatred I had of myself that I had not only done this again, but had no control once again. After finally getting sober again, July 10, 2015, to this day, I will never forget that first drink on the golf outing. It was planned, it was strategic, I had my ducks in a row, it was well thought out, and I will never forget the immediate acknowledgement that I could not stop after that first sip, and the knowing that this, without a doubt, proved to me that I could not moderate, I could not be a social drinker, and I could not only not have just one drink, I could not even have one sip. I guess that in a way is a blessing versus what I have heard from others in AA that they did like I did with a plan, convinced they were 'fixed', and were actually able to control it till they were not able to control it. Same story over and over, just different people, different settings and different ways it happened and they ended up back in AA, strong enough to tell that story to all of us. (Which is why I go to AA, not to share and talk, but to hear others like me with their struggles and success and honest thinking processes that they/we all go through.
GREAT POST LJC!!! Thank you. You just 12th stepped me and helped me this morning. I needed to read and hear what you had to say. This just reinforces in me what I already know, but that I need to keep front and center, that I am who I am, and I am finally just fine with who I am. Anyway, I have no choice to be anyone else right?
