lizatola

I recently had a discussion about what the difference is between a want and a need with someone in program. She believes that the only thing we actually 'need' is food, shelter, clothing, and income to provide those things for ourselves. Everything else to her is a 'want'.

I've been in my head a lot, as usual. Thinking about my current relationship and basically throwing my bf under the bus all the time because he hasn't been affectionate lately, or because he didn't do this/that or didn't respond to me in a way that I wanted, etc.......

We were listening to the radio yesterday and a song came on that was titled, "If you were a better man", and he says, "You know I hate songs like this. Listen to the lyrics....." then he says, "How about stop wanting your partner to be someone different and focusing on yourself and how you could be a better woman?" Now, LOL, I know he wasn't talking to me, he was just commenting about the theme of the song but I get his point.

We all like to point the finger at the other person and blame them for our problems: I'm not getting enough from my partner, I need more of this or more of that, I want more freedom....oh wait, nope, I want more closeness, I feel taken advantage of, I don't feel loved, I need......

All of those statements are 'I' statements. I think my question is, "When do we find contentment? When does serenity come for us?"

I know the answers for myself. But, I wanted to open up the discussion to others. For me.....I need to do as my bf said and put the focus on myself. Take care of me and the things that I can control. When I feel disconnected from him, it might not be anything other than the fact that that he's dealing with something with his kids that he hasn't shared with me or maybe I'm the one creating distance without realizing it? When I need more from someone, I have the responsibility to ask for it and not build resentments for unspoken requests.

I also remind myself of recent past events that proved otherwise to my negative thought patterns in my mind. When I complain that my man is not as physically there as usual, I remind myself that just last week he and I had a very intimate conversation about some emotional pain I was experiencing and how he was loving and supportive and kind and he WAS physically there for me. Or, how this is the same man who invited all my friends over as a surprise because he knew I needed my girlfriends.

And, then, I remind myself that relationships aren't tit for tat. Just because I gave in this way or that and the other person didn't, doesn't mean the relationship is lopsided or bad or wrong. It means finding acceptance for the other person and how they show love differently than you do.

Contentment and peace come from acceptance and taking care of YOU. For all of us, I know there's variations to this, but I find it important for me to take the focus off the other person and place it back on me and my program and what I can do to make life more enjoyable. My partner is not there to make me happy. Only I can do that for myself.