Originally Posted by
Behappy1 
Can I ask what you do/say to yourself in that moment? Like you're in a grocery store and went in with NO intentions of buying liquor. But in a split second that voice tells you to get some and you do? This has happened to me a lot.
This is why, with AVRT, the absence of a plan never to drink, is simply considered a plan to drink.
"I have no plan to drink" = "I may drink if I do come up with a plan"
"I have no desire to drink" = "I would drink if I did have the desire"
Ditto for "I have no intention of drinking."
Regarding the idea that those frequent reversals of intent 'happen to you', that sounds like you believe that the AV can move your hands.
The AV may steer your thoughts towards the object of the Beast's affection, but it cannot directly engage the peripherals (hands, feet, mouth). It can only appear to be you, to make you believe that's what you want to do.
Originally Posted by
Behappy1 Just today I was going to pick up my daughter and I need to go to the grocery for real. The thought of alcohol and drinking tonight enters my mind. I ended up not even going to the store because I didn't trust myself.
Again, your relapse anxiety is just the Addictive Voice, because relapse obviously suggests more drinking. The Beast is saying "you are powerless before me, and it's only when I'm not active that you can trust yourself. You better hope I stay quiet, because I'm going to get you."
Originally Posted by
Behappy1 Do you physically or do anything mentally when this happens? I guess I'm trying to understand what the heck to tell myself when I clearly know it's AV, but still listen to it even though I know I shouldn't and it's not going to be a good outcome.
This is your Addictive Voice, placing subtle conditions on abstinence. It is saying that you should only abstain if the outcome will not be good, which is just another way of saying that you should drink if you think you just might get away with it.
"I shouldn't drink" = "I would drink if I could"
Originally Posted by
Behappy1 Again, I am on day 5. I know from past relapses to expect this around this time and for at least the next week before it will get easier.
One of the most vexing forms of Addictive Voice is that it is somehow good not to have Beast activity, and the Beast will cunningly boast of its own silence, as in "I haven't even thought about drinking in weeks, now."
This is just a set-up, to undermine your confidence to abstain in the presence of AV, and to later move in for the kill.
Originally Posted by
Behappy1 I have went to meetings... I mainly did it to appease my family... I feel like I have turned over EVERY stone to get myself right.
I am going to read every word of RR.
Be aware that your Beast will be reading the book along with you, looking for loopholes. I also recommend reading through the multi-part AVRT discussion thread from the beginning.
Regarding turning over every other stone, you may eventually discover in hindsight that the "process of recovery" is just a stage of addiction.