So day I guess day 4 of being committed to being alcohol free. Wasn't an every single day drinker before so I guess the real test will be in a few weeks when my brain is trying to talk myself into ordering a drink thinking it will be just fine. I think that's the really hard part. I had a long talk with my wife and we also had some much needed physical contact and it was really great. I talked openly about my concerns and how ashamed I felt. I have been trying to pick up the peices of the mega blackout and wow I can say it's amazing I am alive and not in jail. I was in a state of wasted then withdrawing and getting up for more alcohol. This binge went on from Friday to Wednesday. I can't believe for me a person who somewhat has his **** together with my music career to have the gig of a lifetime and to totally ruin the **** out of it. I had this in the palm of my hand and as soon as that cold bottle of Jack was handed to me I was gone till Wednesday... My wife will forgive me as she has actually been really nice, as nice as she can..... I am a fixer and I naturally try to repair things. I just don't know how I can regain the respect of my peers without some serious time not being a drunk loser. If you knew me you would pretty much know I am known for being an over the top drinker, that is what a lot of people think of when they think of me as a dj. However this was from 1999-2010 that I was really like that..... since then I have become a father and a husband and a successful person who really only went out a few times a year. If you saw me playing music post 2010 aka lately. I am not all ****** up and I am like the guy driving and having two beers. Great! Thought I was on one hell of a comeback but this moment that could have been make or break for me went down the tubes real quick. One goddamn weekend+ blackout.
So where am I now? I have resumed my studio business and today was the first day off lorazepam and tomorrow I go back to my regular excercise program. All I know is I am an alcoholic this scared the crap out of me. I don't have time to go to meetings and I have read a lot of materials on sobriety. The problem is right now I am not triggered, next week not triggered, few months I probably can go maybe more. But my fear is some day being ok with getting drunk is going to creep into my mind. I want to win...... I need to remember now