I registered a couple of days ago but I've always struggled with integrating groups and communities.
I've been journaling almost daily for a while, so I thought sharing some of the recent parts addressing my struggle with alcohol could be a great start.
I didn't include everything because I don't want to scare people away with an insanely huge post, lol.
Of course I removed any name, it's super abridged and tried to keep it as relevant as possible.
It's a translation so my excuses if the level of english isn’t exactly up to standards
Here we go !
February 8, 2017, 5:15 pm
As for yesterday's hangover; I woke up, and I made all the bottles disappear before my brother could see them.
I thoroughly brushed my teeth, drank a bit of water, took a long shower, came back to life, drank a bit of water again and then started my day as if nothing happened.
Besides, my brother hasn’t noticed anything, so he knows nothing about it.
February 9, 9h17am
Drinking on the 6th and 7th wasn't a good decision. I can’t be careless like that. There. I said it.
The worst part is that there’s a part of me who’s still really happy I did it because I was finally able to vacate my own mind and unwind.
I know I can’t rely on this, I know I shouldn’t act on those thoughts.
But it’s there anyway.
I know I can find other things but nothing works like alcohol does, nothing makes me feel as good as alcohol does.
Therefore, the temptation remains and sometimes becomes much harder to ignore.
My mind knows what I should and shouldn’t do, but my instinct doesn’t get it.
February 11, 2017, 6h41am
I had so much trouble distracting my mind from the urge to drink when I started my day at noon, that I just ate and went straight back to bed.
The bottle of rum especially kills me, it’s tempting me so much more since I've already drank some of it.
If it would’ve happened to be mine, it would be empty by now.
Also, I have to write that I often think of going back to buy alcohol with the money I have left. Or of having a drink with someone, or of throwing another party.
But it doesn’t mean that I’ll do it. I know I shouldn’t, so I contain myself.
February 12, 2017, 5:02am
I went to buy usual stuff today but I took the wrong card by accident so I was forced to use my own instead.
That somehow frustrates me very deeply, because the money I spend on things like these can’t be spent on alcohol later if I decide to drink.
I told myself I wouldn’t, I did! However seeing the possibility slowly fading away still upsets me a lot.