hi cardoon. BIG congrats on your sober time, 4 years and counting is terrific.
i think it's also enough time that there is now considerable distance from the drunk person you were and the sober person you are today. and if you are working a program, even more so.
it sounds like your wife too had issues with alcohol and has not been on the sober bus as long. she has her own stuff to work on and work through.
it could be that you two are just not co-habitable any more. a lot of your combined history was tied up in drinking - with each of you having your own "reasons" for doing so. drinking buddies don't always transform easily into sober buddies. drinking partners don't often survive as sober partners. too much negative, chaos, turmoil and change.
we say here to watch Actions, instead of just listen to words. what does it LOOK like? what do her actions SAY?
and what do YOU want?