Brammy, Welcome to SR!
Does anyone know if there is anything that I can do
There's lots you can do.... for you and your son. Unfortunately, there's not anything you can do to help your fiance with his drinking. His drinking is just that, his drinking. You seem to have a very good awareness of his drinking and how it has changed him, effected him, etc, so maybe the next step would be to develop an awareness of how the drinking has effected you?
My husband and I have been together for 4 plus years, married for one of those years. His drinking was an issue from the day we met (at a company happy hour, not so ironically). He was a classic binge drinker, still living with his college buddies (even though he was 26 years old!), and drinking at least 5-6 days a week. He promised me that it would get better if we moved in together, and I believed him. For a while it did get better, and the frequency of binging did in fact decrease, but the quantity that he drank on those binges started to increase, and he starting switching to hard liquor. I in turn starting to get more and more aware, and starting trying to manipulate by calling him (trying to get him home b/c I thought that would get him to stop), and I threw temper tantrums, telling him how bad he was hurting me (thinking the pain he caused ME would be enough to get him to stop), it didn't. He also promised me that the drinking would go away when we bought the house, and then when we got married. It didn't. Again, the frequency slowed down, but the severity of the binges grew. The events may not have happened as often, but they were definetely getting more intense.
And along with that, the intensity of my focus on him and his drinking grew. It got to the point were I was so consumed with keeping him sober, or making him feel bad for his drinking, that I completely forgot how to live myself. Before long, I realized that I was sick, really sick. I had lost my identity, but I could tell you every little detail about where my husband was, what he was doing, who he was with, how he spent his money, how much he drank, etc. Ask me what I wanted for dinner and I would break down and cry. I had become so enmeshed in him and trying to control his drinking for him that I had no ability to take care of myself. I was a mess, borderline suicidal, and I had no clue how to get straightened back out. I knew I wanted a better life, but I assumed that it would happen if I could just get him to stop drinking.
Luckily, I was wrong.
I gave Al-anon a try, didn't like it at first b/c they just wouldn't give me the "secret" to their happiness (I thought they all knew how to get him to stop drinking and they were just holding out!). I don't remember exactly when the clarity came, it surely wasn't some great epiphany (or least a major A-ha moment), it's been a collection of smaller "Oh, okay, I'm starting to see!" moments.
My life is really awesome right now. I love myself, and I can tell you exactly what I want to do when I get out of work, what I want to eat, and all sorts of other things about me and my life. I couldn't tell you much about my husband. I don't know if he's going to get drunk tonight (he by the way is still very much active and is in no way near recovery!), and frankly, I don't care. My happiness is no longer dependent on what he does or doesn't do. My plans are no longer 100% dependent on him. If he doesn't show up after work, I have lots to do, no more sitting at home wondering, worrying, calling him frantically and begging him to spend time with me. He is an adult, free to make his own choices, and so am I. I love him now more than ever. I've been able to seperate the disease from him. There's still pain and grief, but I let go of the suffering. It's a challenge to live with an active alcoholic, but I've learned some incredible tools to protect myself from the behavior of the disease.
Right now I stay, will I be here forever? I don't know. Just for today. One step at a time. I couldn't do it without the support of Al-anon and the folks here. It helps to have people who have "been there, done that, got the t-shirt, thank you very much"!!
So to wrap up my longwinded ramble, I hope you keep coming back. Consider giving Al-anon a try, but most of realize that you're not alone. We all understand.
Blessings to you,
Shannon