It's a tough one. There are so many ingrained contradictions. I love her and I hate her but I take that hate out on people who have nothing to do with it. That event controls my life and I try to control my life but I can't do what I need to do because I don't know what that is. I think I need help but I think I have no right to have help and what I ask help for takes me away from what I think I should be. I'm in a prison of my conditioning. I hate it but I'm terrified of doing what I should do to get out of it let alone knowing what that is. For a long time the solution was to drink which accomplished nothing except make the years pass and I still have to deal with it. Whatever it is.