Thread: Warts and all..
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Old 02-11-2017, 01:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Grymt
All is Change
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,281
I believe I have been an alcoholic my whole life. I didn't drink to excess till I was 18 but that was a blackout.

When I was 26 I thought I'd met the woman for life. We'd drink occasionally and moderately together. On a couple of occasions she'd come home really drunk which I could empathise with. One night I turned up at her place and found her in bed with another guy. It was devastating. I went on a three week bender which ended up with me very sick and when I came to I found that a kind of zest for life I've always had was gone. That event has defined my life. Ever since it's always been about finding a way to get over that. I thought I loved her so much and that I was at fault. She was a good wonderful person and wouldn't have done that if I hadn't been so wrong for her. et.c.. Or basically just plain wrong.

Most of my many relationships, and infidelities, after that were with women who did not drink. Invariably I would ruin the relationship. I think I always compared them to her and would punish them by wrecking the relationship often by drinking excessively and or cheating on them.

It wasn't until years later after doing Primal Therapy (A.Janov) followed by many Vipassana Meditation (Goenka) courses that I rediscovered that zest that I had thought had died forever.

I met the woman who became the mother of my daughters. I didn't smoke or drink for 7 years but in the end I started secretly taking drugs and being unfaithful.

In the end I came clean to my partner and started to try to get to a solution. I left my family and started doing the rehab rounds I described earlier and in the end the craving left me. I'm still an alcoholic but I don't drink.

I'm still working on myself and it's only till today that some things may be coming together to enable closure at last. I think she might have been an alcoholic. I don't know. I don't know if it even matters. I try to find some way to get past it still after all these years. WTF.
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