Lexie, it's okay, I appreciate you saying that and it's so meaningful that you have the capacity to look back on those sort of feelings and feel differently about it today.
Understanding a lot more about alcoholism has helped me a lot, so I don't see these past memories as traumas really. I see them more as lessons on why I was right to end it, as well as why she continued to do it. That's what you do when you love alcohol that much. You get excited about it and look forward to your chances to be with it. So, I understand why she did it, and I also understand why it became more of a drag when I came home from being gone.
firebolt - Sorry you have to know too. But hey, awareness is a good thing. I remember that at some point when the text messages asking when I'd be home started becoming a regular thing, knowing pretty early on that it was never because she just was looking forward to my return. I saw right though it and I remember the text "what time will you be back?" broke my heart a little bit every time, because I knew she was looking to get good and drunk and plan out her day and how much time she had to do it before my key hit the door. Eventually I think I almost became thankful for it. If I left for a baseball game with the guys, I learned to pretty much expect and accept that she was going to be drinking the whole time, and I knew what I was coming home to. It almost became a warning signal to me. But it also sometimes ruined my day or forced me to feel compelled to rush home just because I knew that might stop the drinking for the day particular session.
It's really crazy thinking back to some of the madness and some of the things I tried to do to control it or change it, realizing now that there was absolutely not a thing I could have done any differently to change it at all!