My daughter used to have a terrible relationship with money. It's what initially led to her opiate addiction. She had been a passenger in a car accident and her portion of the insurance settlement was around $15k. She immediately blew it on clothes and an escalating drug habit. Next thing you know, she had graduated to shooting dilaudid in her veins.
Fast forward 10 years (holy cow I just realized it's been ten years!!!) and another wreck, this time way more devastating with way more money, being kicked out a few times, a few detoxes, an IOP and then inpatient, arrests and probation ... she has a much healthier relationship with money now after hitting her bottom.
She's been on the wagon now for about 6 years, maybe 7? I don't know because I don't ask and we don't talk about it. I learned to let go of her disease after we went around the block several times. She's doing really well, one day at a time.
Like Ann, I had to hit my own bottom, too. I was sooo exhausted and my health was taking a major hit. People just don't realize how devastating all that stress is on our health! Addiction can and will take us down too, if we don't distance ourselves from it.
I hope you and your husband will find resources for yourselves, too. An old saying around here is "work the program you wish your addicted loved one would." I took that advice after I read it and started seeing an addiction specialist. Next thing you know, my daughter told me I was acting different and then she started seeing someone, too. I simply stopped fighting, manipulating, and controlling.
Every now and then she'll bring up that moment, like she did last month. She still maintains it's the singular moment that led her to her bottom.