CherryVanilla

Good morning. I've been reading posts for a couple of hours and decided to join. My son is battling heroin, for 2 years that I know of. He's in his mid-20s. He is a college grad and had a promising future. I'm not too comfortable with the correct verbage, but I'd say he was a "functioning addict" in that although he lives home, we didn't suspect what was going on for a very long time. He worked, socialized with friends and family, was very present in our lives. Then in one day all my illusions were shattered. Someday I guess I'll talk about that, if the thread/conversation seems right.

Right now I just wanted to say that I have a raging headache. My son is asleep, but starting to wake up. My husband is up and pretending all is right with the world. We had one of those "illusions shattered" evenings last night. Something was missing from son's room (something valuable), and when I asked where it was, he casually said he'd left it at a (sober) friend's house. I bet some of you can guess the truth -- he pawned it, and was desperately trying to get in touch with the sober friend to go get it out of pawn for him so he could bring it home. The truth came out and my husband lost his mind about it.

I hate the lying, and with such ease!

He went to an in patient program just before Christmas, and AMA'd after two days because he didn't think he needed anything beyond detox (and apparently he had not been using much and detoxing wasn't so bad, wasn't even taking any meds there, so he walked out because he "didn't need" rehab. He wandered, basically homeless, for two days, until early one morning I found him in our driveway, taking some things out of his car (which had just died on him a couple of weeks ago and was scheduled for donation)... heavy coat, extra gloves. Seems he'd found someone who let him sleep at his apartment, but he had to be out when the guy went to work in the morning, and couldn't come back until the guy came home from work. So he was wandering outside in bitter cold weather all day.

And of course those two days I was constantly praying, when I wasn't crying, and thinking "is he cold?" and "is he hungry?"

He came in side to talk and asked for a hot shower, and I cooked him some breakfast. He asked me, with a real fear (in his voice and facial expression) "can I come back? Can I live here?" So yes, he could come back, but as soon as he finished eating that meant getting back on the phone to the detox/rehab and begging for his spot back. Which he did.

He had a total meltdown in the 1.5 days before he could go back, crying, realizing how much he HAD going for him when he graduated college, and how he lost everything of monetary value, lost respect of so many people, etc.

I thought A-HA... he has HIT BOTTOM it's going to be ok now.

Damn insurance would only let him stay in patient for 2 weeks! That's not enough! But he's been in an IOP program and in some kind of a weak moment he'd signed permission for his counselor to speak with me, so she did call me late last week to tell me he'd tested dirty.

Long conversation, but basically her next meeting w/ him is that he can test clean from now on and she will keep him in the program, he can test dirty and she will drop him fro the program and inform his probation officer he's out of treatment, or if he tests dirty he can readmit to in-patient.

Naturally I pray every day, and have stepped it up a lot over the weekend. Last night we had a huge blow up in our house because we found out the aforementioned piece of property was not at the friend's house but was pawned. My husband was out of control, screaming -- really hurtful, devastating things, and get out of the house. I got everyone calmed down, husband to bed, son in the house. The good thing that came of it was he talked to me for about 2 about two hours afterwards about his step work, and the problems he's having (he is agnostic) reconciling some of the "God" aspects with his own philosophy. If anyone knows of a good source along the line of "12 step NA for agnostics" I'd love the link!! I Googled a little about it, but there's so much info that it becomes overwhelming, so if anyone has personal experience/suggestion, thank you.

I was really worried at one point when my son was saying that he didn't care about himself, that he's in recovery "for you, mom" -- that's wrong. It's supposed to be for himself, I know that. But he was saying things like if it was not for me and how much it would hurt me, he'd just live homeless, he would not care, because he doesn't deserve to have a home, he doesn't deserve my love, he hates the way he has disappointed and hurt me. Well, I hate that, too, but it doesn't mean I want him shivering out in the January cold with nothing.

My son builds walls, always has. It's like he thinks he's handling "this" on his own and doesn't want to let anyone else in (and I doubt he's even being honest with his therapist). I know he's embarassed and disappointed in himself. He says over and again that he wants to be healthy and sober, and was for at least six months before this relapse.

He cannot handle money. If it's in his hand, it's gone. He had a job that directly deposited his pay into my bank account (he didn't have one because it was constantly over drawn so it was closed). That worked well because we'd sit together at month-end and pay his bills, and then he'd have a set amount of cash for the week that seemed reasonable for gas, lunch, a dinner or two out, etc. Then he got a new job working in a restaurant and they paid part cash, part by check, and he'd just take that check to the bank that it was drawn on and get the money, and having all that cash was really bad for him.

Right at the beginning, I said to him, was he opening a checking account, and he was not, so I said don't forget to set aside "X" dollars then to give to me for this/that bill. At the end of the month, he didn't have anything to give to me. He said he's spent it all on a ticket. Yet then when he was going to rehab, he had to admit that he had not paid his ticket in full, he had monthly payments.

Sorry this is so long it just felt so good to get some of it off my chest.