Originally Posted by
WendyLew 
My daughter has urged me to write everything down that is going on - which I have. And last night I was going through some of my old journals that I found while cleaning an old trunk and lo and behold, there were some of my books from a decade ago. I started reading thru them and was saddened and then I got mad at myself and then I just felt stupid.
Wendy, I can totally relate! I started a thread on that same topic here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-me-cleo.html
I also felt stupid for putting my head in the sand. Maybe some of the replies that I got in that thread will help you understand your own situation a little better as well as help you to stop beating yourself up about it.
I just feel ashamed in a way now, looking back - that I really did not wake up and realize that I had to prepare. I should have taken my head out from between my knees and really look at what was going on. I know, I really do, that it was about survival and keeping myself safe that caused this. But man, what I could have done "now" with my life had I just had help back then and someone to talk to (like here).
I can also relate so much to this, Wendy--I wanted things to be different, but
I didn't want to have to be the one to change. I didn't want to have to do the work b/c dammit,
I was not the one w/the problem! I swept things under the carpet, to the extent that I didn't remember them at all, even years later, until I read about them in my own handwriting.
Then, when it became more obvious there was a problem, I passively accepted his claims that he was going to AA and was sober (even though both turned out to be "alternative facts") rather than learning about alcoholism and getting to Alanon myself. Had I taken either of those actions myself, I would have realized fairly quickly he was NOT in any kind of recovery; however, once again I preferred to look the other way and keep the status quo. This cost me another several years.
I actually feel a lot better knowing I can come here and find others like myself and those who have been here.
I cannot praise the SR members highly enough for all they've given me over the past several years. I came here broken, furious, terrified, and ignorant. Little by little, post by post, the folks here helped me to dry my eyes and then open them wide, the better to see reality and its hope instead of the fears my imagination conjured up. Seeing the strength and courage of others helped me to find my own. Feeling the kindness, wisdom and grace of members here made me strive to give that back, in whatever measure I could.
Keep reading, keep posting. This is a community like no other. I strongly encourage you to reach out for the specific help you need in the real world regarding abuse, etc., but we are here to help in our own way, too.
Wishing you strength and clarity.