Today I Gave Myself the Apology I Have Been Wanting from Everyone Else
I posted a few days ago that I had reached my codependency bottom. I was really having a dark night of the soul. Thank you all for your love and support. Being middle aged, I have come to learn that as tough as those depressive, hollow, hopeless feelings are to go through, for me, they have ALWAYS marked a catalyst for major change in my life. It is in those lonely, dark moments when I have no other choice but to surrender and let the Universe take over and do its magic.
I had this "a ha" moment last night where everything that I was ever taught on this forum and through other venues to help codependents, clicked in for me. In my previous sad post, I remarked that I desperately wanted heartfelt apologies from others who had hurt me. Mike was "on point" when he said that you can't expect sincere apologies from toxic people. But I realized that I had the resources inside of me, to apologize to myself for thinking that I was "less than", that I needed everyone else to love and to approve of me to matter. I could apologize to myself for accepting unacceptable behavior from others and always looking to take the blame for that other person's behavior. I could apologize to myself for not protecting myself, like I would protect my own children. After I did that apology to myself, I felt the need to scrawl on a notebook. This is what "came out of me":
Today, 1/27/16 is the birth of assertive DD who no longer accepts abuse from anyone; who protects herself and her well-being. She has plenty of heavenly resources supporting her. She makes no apologies for being herself. She does own when she hurts another human being and makes amends. She is loving to herself and to her family. She is respectful to herself and to others. She doesn't need others to like her, only to respect her. She trusts the Universe to bring the right people into her life to teach and to be taught. She trusts the process. She loves life.
Honestly, I never concentrated on what I wrote, it just flowed out of me. Today is the New Moon, this weekend is the start of the Chinese lunar calendar, and for me, I am hoping I can remember to stay in this healthy mind and heartspace for the rest of my days on earth. I wanted to have it written down so that I always have it to reflect on and I hope it helps others who have been struggling as I have to grow and prosper.