Old 01-25-2017, 09:26 AM
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Wells
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Self-Realization, Self-Reflection, Self-Forgiveness.

Been a bit of a blah week, I guess, but I've had a bit of a breakthrough. Looking at what I allowed in my relationship, I realize I am just as much an addict and am stumbling through recovery as well. MY addiction was settling for too little in a relationship and accepting bad behavior and a bad relationship, because I felt like having something was better than having nothing.

This realization - My own addiction to bad relationships - also continues to allow me to be passionate and forgive and not hold anger inside. Anger never solves anything and just makes you feel terrible. Some days though, I still feel angry that my relationship failed, that she chose to stick with the booze, that she chose to just find a new guy instead of try for me. But at the end of the day that anger is just not doing me any good.

So, with renewed determination I will try recovery again. I've been succeeding in some areas of being good to myself, yet failing in some areas of holding onto hope for a relationship that wasn't fair to me for a very long time. I'm not sure I can explain why that is, same as why I'm sure some addicts can't explain why the go back to their own drug of choice time and time again. But it at least gives me a renewed enlightenment of both what my own addiction as a codependent is, and the ability to forgive myself and work on those shortcomings. I think it is from that same understanding I can at least be more forgiving of the fact things didn't work out the way I'd wanted them to.

I am realizing that I wasn't truly ready to accept that she was out of my life forever. I knew I couldn't take her back into my life if she was drinking, but there was still some sort of hope she would somehow be back in my life -- I am trying to come to terms with why I am having so much trouble letting go of a relationship that was just so one-sided due to her drinking. I have reflected back, the case has been made, the facts laid out, yet, I realized I was still holding onto some sort of hope of a reconciliation...despite having to continue to remind myself that we couldn't be together, because she was drinking.

I have work to do, as I definitely need to understand more about why I was fighting for a relationship that I was constantly getting shorted in. Part of it may just be that I am not a quitter. Not necessarily a fixer, I certainly didn't do much to try and alert her lifestyle other than express discontent, but I also really hated the fact of admitting defeat and I need to come to terms with that. Just because the relationship was long-term and we built so many memories together doesn't give it the unabashed right to continue.

Despite my stumbles, the moments of contact or weakness that led me to hope for an unrealistic recovery, I continue to at least be happy that I didn't break my own boundary this time -- I know that can not go back to a relationship with alcohol abuse in the picture. That has been the hard fight with MY addition though - Convincing myself that being alone and having no romantic partner to spend my life with is BETTER than being with someone with an addiction who I only get part of the time. I know the right answer of course. But my brain plays games - I reason with myself that even a fragment of someone is better than no one. Which is probably how this lasted 10 years. I remember having nightmares about her doing awful things, only to wake up relieved that she wasn't doing those things, and that she was still there in the bed next to me. Someone was at least present. But the feelings I felt in the nightmares were the same way I often felt when I was awake and she was drinking. Yet, I was somehow relieved. That's how bad my addiction was to being in that relationship. Crumbs were better than nothing.

When I finally put my foot down it got ugly, then sad, then regretful, then mournful, all of those different things rolled into one experience over weeks and months. I wish I could say I had a perfect exit and an amazing recovery but I have realized in the past couple of weeks that I have a long way to go, and I am not nearly as far along in my own recovery as I thought I was or need to be. So, I'm working to get there.

From the start I knew who she was and she didn't try to hide it. In the first months, we drank together, every time, she often more excessively than I due to the point of drunken rage or blackout, yet, for some reason, I pursued the relationship anyway. I had the chance to exit early yet I stuck with it for 10 years. Even worse, now I compete with thoughts in my head of her in a new relationship and getting sober for it and question why she didn't want to do that for us. I realize that the typical recipe of a new addict relationship is early deception, then the problems eventually come back anyway. Yet, I stayed for 10 years under these conditions! Plus, Valentine's Day is coming, my first one alone in 10 years, and the holidays stink. I am future tripping and need to work on stopping that as well and work on living in the now and somehow keeping all thoughts of her out of my head completely.

So really, two things need to happen here - I need to forgive myself for not having a picture perfect recovery. And (though not as important now that I am finally realizing I need a full NC to keep the hurt away) I have to remember that this is what she went through as well with her addiction to alcohol, in the same way I was unable to let go of something that was toxic to me. Funny how it all parallels out like that. We can't let go of them, they can't let go of their booze.

I've been considering if I need support groups or meetings which may be where I head next, but oddly enough, just reading and researching, and especially, seeing that I am not alone and also reading stories with such similarities that they could be my own, helps tremendously. It helps to confirm I was not crazy and not wrong to want something more.

If anything, the latest news of her being in that new relationship has pushed me to the next phase. I need to move on and start planning and visualizing of a future with a new girl in my life, a new, healthier relationship with a partner who is more present and supportive and respectful of my feelings. I need to have a relationship that doesn't give me stress or depression and feel like I have a real partner in life. I hope I can find her!

I continue to thank everyone who reads, posts, and shares -- Knowing you are not alone or the first person to have to go through this is one of the most supportive ways I have had in going through this experience this year. Thank you all!
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