Hello Oread,
I am just so sorry for your loss! I understand it pretty well. Although not from addiction, I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly in October 2015. The guilt that I feel over not being able to recognize the signs--of not being able to save him--is overwhelming at times. And yes, I go back over all the things I said to him that day, things I wish I had said, things I wish I hadn't said...I get it, truly I do.
In my clearer and stronger moments, I know, intellectually, that I am not responsible for my husband's death. I also know that he loves me still and that he does not want me torturing myself with all the 'what if's' and the 'why didn't I's'.
Your boyfriend loves you still (I am Christian, and that is my belief). He walks with you as you continue living. Please grieve in your own way and in your own time. Come here to talk as often as you need. A grief counselor may prove invaluable to you, too. It has helped me.
Sending prayers and good thoughts for you and your boyfriend.
