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He died of a mixture of alcohol and pills. We dated for four years, but broke up last February because of his drinking. I was extremely angry and cold towards him at that time because I saw his drinking as a betrayal and thought he was choosing alcohol over me. I didn't see him for six months. He begged me over and over to let him come see him but I just kept saying very mean things to him over and over. The hardest part is that I saved all those messages on my phone and now they are tormenting me. I finally agreed to see him in September, and we started seeing each other a few times a month (we now lived 2 hours from each other). I knew he was still drinking, but I was able to be his "friend" and separate myself from that. I just completely ignored the topic, basically.

He was such a funny and loving person. He told me he loved me all the time. He always made me feel beautiful. I loved who he was when he wasn't drinking, even though he wasn't perfect of course. I truly believe we had something other couples don't. There was just something special between us. I feel like I'm never going to love or be loved like that again.

He was more of a weekend binge drinker/partier than a daily, secretive alcoholic. We would go through this cycle where he would mess up and then he would win me back and tell me he's trying to change. Eventually he stopped winning me back and I hardened my heart toward him. It's like I stopped feeling our love.

This is even harder because I never got to tell him I love him again. I stopped saying it after we broke up, even though I love him so much. I never got to say I'm sorry for all the horrible things I said to him, to try to hurt him (in my mind I thought this would make him stop).

The worst thing is that he possibly died from xanax/alcohol. We haven't got the report back yet. In December I was telling him about how I get debilitatingly nervous during interviews. He said he had a friend with a prescription for xanax and he could get me a few and I said yes....how could I possibly of thought this was an ok thing to ask of someone with his problems? I'm worried he started taking the xanax after that because he never got it to me. Why didn't I worry about him? I didn't know xanax and alcohol was a lethal combination, but I still can't believe I did this. I was always heartbroken at the thought of him drying of cancer or liver disease, but I never thought something like this could happen to him. It would have been easier if we were together for this last year and still had our good days. I keep thinking of him alone at his apartment texting me about how he wanted his family back and how he breaks down everyday. And I just ignored it.

He asked if he could come down on New Year's Eve but I had to work....why didn't I just telll him to come anyway? Why didn't it concern me that New Years is a big drinking day? Why wasn't I worried? Why didn't I call him and tell him to be careful?

Also, the week before he died I was ignoring him because I knew he had a drinking episode. He denied and I texted him "never trust an alcoholic, rules 1, 2, and 3." He said he didn't blame me but it hurt. It's tormenting me now that it was left that way and I never get to see him and change it. I keep remembering all the times he told me he was going to love me forever and once he said "are we going to be old people together?" I just don't know if I can stand this heartbreak.