Help! Crazy situation. Will she get better?
Hi there,
I really hope I get some honest feedback because I'm in a crazy bind and have to make a life-altering decision, and soon.
There's two women in my life, a child with both, and I've been given an ultimatum on who to be with. Unfortunately, it seems I'm forever burning a bridge with the other, regardless of who I choose.
Sarah is a beautiful, funny, incredibly loving woman who I have two children with. Only one child is biologically mine, but the other has known no one but me and loves me dearly, as I do her. Sarah is also, or used to be, a horrible alcoholic. We're talking police calls, state involvement with child placement, and me pulling the toddler out of the car she just drove up to me in when she's at five times the legal limit. Horrible things that I'll never forget. Unfortunately, I love her. I can't stop wanting to care for her. The fact another woman has come into play (while we weren't together) and is now having my child is tearing her apart and I hate to see it. Our case with the state is coming to and end and it seems Sarah has turned around completely. She's doing AA three times a week, all required urinalysis (2x random weekly), group therapy, etc. It's amazing, but I really wonder if it's here to stay. She's at just over 100 days. Her mother (who's seen her through a decade of alcoholism) says she's never seen Sarah like this before, so it makes me wonder if this is really "for real." The problem is that the state sees everything as progress and is moving (slowly, but almost unavoidably) towards giving her 100% custody of "her" child back and 50/50 of "our" child. I can't lose my kids. I love them so much. But, as Sarah has said during fiery arguments over whether we're getting back together, if she gets custody and we're not together then I won't see "her" child much anymore (even though Sarah admits I'm the child's Dad, regardless of paperwork) and only half the time with my own girl. What scares me is that she can go incredibly long periods of time sober before relapsing. She had over a year and half prior (never once drinking through pregnancy) before she relapsed five times over the next year, endangering the kids and draining her bank account three times and a portion of mine, repeatedly.
On the other hand is Jessica. I was with her many years ago and we rekindled as of late, culminating in an unexpected pregnancy. I fully trust her, her judgement, I know she'll take great care of the kids (all 3), she has a great job, she's doing very well for herself financially, has no addictions, etc. The only problem is that I don't connect the same emotionally and physically as I do with Sarah. Sarah is gorgeous, feminine, sweet... Jessica is great, but very emotionally cold (as I can be) and much more a tomboy. When we were together for about two years previously it really bugged me, but I feel like I'm just being shallow. I just worry that I won't be as attracted to her and that our relationship will suffer. I also worry that the way the case with Sarah is going such a way as to lose one of my kids and possibly half the time with another, both to a person who may not be recovered or who could relapse at any time and endanger them. Life would be so much easier with Jess. I've even been told the stress and everything that I've been going through lately has been affecting me at work, and I know Jess would take a lot of that pressure away. We'd do well financially, professionally, etc., but there's this nagging thought that I wouldn't be truly happy. I know relationships have to grow and sometimes, even in crazy situations such as arranged marriages, it can take a long time but still become the great thing that people strive for.
I need to know what people think of Sarah's recovery. People that have been there. I don't know if it's for real, but I'm scared of losing my kids back to her. I love her, and she loves me desperately, but I just don't know... I'm scared of committing to her, especially since she wants an engagement or something else to show her that I'm really in it for the long haul and supporting her. On the other hand I have someone that loves me and wants me to be there with her (even with all three kids) and life will be great with, but I wonder about our relationship.
I just don't know what to do, but I'm at an ultimatum from both at this point to choose, and I need help deciding from folks that can understand the pressure.