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Old 01-19-2017, 11:21 AM
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lizatola
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Working my steps again.....question?

I'm going through my steps again, this time with a new sponsor. I am on step 3 and while I was working through my recovery books and reading, I found myself starting to cry. Not even sure why I got triggered but it obviously needed to happen.

I told my sponsor that I was afraid to work the steps again. Afraid that I would re-evaluate my life, like I did when I was living with active alcoholism, and come to find out that I failed again or that I made a bad decision again, etc. I literally have been dreading doing any further discovery work about myself. I know my assets and my liabilities, isn't that enough?

So, today, I realized that, even though I feel great and life is good, and that I'm ready to take my licensing exams again and feeling much more prepared for them this time around, I am feeling resistance within myself.

My son has his first job and is doing well. He's the captain of his tennis team and he's running the conditioning camps. My bf and I are getting along well and his youngest is in a good place lately where she's not rebelling or acting out with anger so much right now, either.

In other words, things are fine. Life is good and I'm managing. But, working the steps brings about fear and anticipation of something to come, a dread that I feel deep inside of me, that I really can't put my finger on. It was painful the first time around......and now I'm going to do it all over again? You'd think I had lost my mind. I also feel like I'm wanting to detach from people, especially my bf. Kind of like I'm preparing myself to end the relationship because who the hell knows what will come to me while I work the steps again, so I might as well detach and pull away now. I want to run but I have no place to go. It's like an oppressiveness that comes from within. I look confident, feel good about myself, I'm working out, and I honestly do feel good physically and mentally.......but emotionally and spiritually is a different story. It's those deep things that I hide from and I also think I'm afraid that if I face them myself, that I will in some way, bring them to my bf. Whether it be with my attitude, my character flaws, or my detachment.......I know he will sense something because the man is the most intuitive guy I've ever met. He knows things about me that I sometimes won't see or admit to myself. I've never had anyone, other than my sponsor, know me this well.

So, maybe it's my fear of being known? Not only being known by others but also to myself?
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