I hear you loud and clear on the treatment issue, Live, and frankly, it's really, really starting to upset me. I called around yesterday after posting here, and found a treatment center in the city that offers a 7 day program. During the course of their program, you are assigned your own personal addictions counsellor, who works with you on forming a recovery path that is tailored to YOU! I really thought I had found the answer I'd been looking for, and was more or less ready to start packing, right? Kurt about took a fit, basically almost bursting into tears and it was: "I can't believe you'd do that after I took time off of work to help you. Aren't I enough?" Then it was: "I can't live without you." (I'm NOT leaving HIM for God's sake! It's a treatment center!) "I need to see you to know you're okay" and "I won't be able to sleep if you're not here." (Again...A WEEK!!)
Sooooo...wtf do you do?? I love this man very much, and more than that, I'm worried about the fact that if I leave the house with him like this, my babies, who are the most precious things in this world to me, will suffer for it. My little girl is nearly 9 now, and more self-sufficient, but my step son is just two and he requires a LOT of attention. I don't want to hurt my husband either, I whine about him sometimes, and vent...but he's a good man and I love him a lot. I really don't know what to do...
I feel on the one hand that on a selfish level, I want the treatment center to make sure my recovery starts off with a solid foundation. It's really hard to concentrate on my recovery amidst the chaos of this household. (Which is not something I mind most of the time...but right now, with these withdrawals, I need some space I guess...is that bad? I feel bad about it...)
I just wanted to go for a week...I was going to come home right after...maybe I'm being selfish here though. It's my responsibility to run this household, and Kurt's always provided really, really well for this family. Maybe I should be grateful for that, and just try to do the best I can here with the withdrawals. I did, after all, put myself in this position to begin with. Maybe he's right that it's really selfish of me to do that...and I think he is...but I just wanted some space to think, that's all. I wanted to just get out of the house and get some help so I don't relapse again. It is stupid though, because I know that my hubby and kids need me, and I shouldn't want to get away from the people that love me the most. I just wanted a week...guess not, eh?
Michelle.