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Old 01-18-2017, 01:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
sugarangel
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Ok, so looks like the 1 pill I had had babies. Meaning, I went across the street to my source and got a couple. I justified it to myself by saying that I am in pain still and need them. Well, yes, I am in pain, but probably not anything ibuprofen alone couldn't handle. I am really pissed at myself. So upset, in fact, that I wrote out a whole post where I lied and said I found the pills. But, I couldn't send it. I can't and don't want to lie to you guys, so I erased the post, and am going with the ugly truth. The stomach cramps hit, and I caved. I am so embarrassed. I am sorry, you guys. Today was a total fail. And, even though I told my source not to give me any, even if I begged, she still did. Not saying its her fault at all. Just saying that now I know I am going to have to find a way to avoid her like the plague for a while.
Marcus....I have to tell you what you said about 180 pills in 5 days sounds just like me. The last 5 years, my doc has been giving me 240 pills a month, and I would blow through them in less than 2 weeks, and have to go to the street for more. When I think about that number, man, I can't believe I was still telling myself that I wasn't an addict. What a bunch of bs. It's amazing the lies I tell myself.
Final....You sound chipper as usual. So, you are working on the great depression, huh?? Funny, me too. lol Hope you are having an awesome day!!
Thanks OP, for being here. I saw the latest post on your thread, and you are doing so good!! I am proud of you, my friend. You give me hope that I can do it, too. All of you do.

Well, I guess tomorrow is absolutely it. I can't get anymore from my source across the street, and everywhere else I cut off, so this really is it. I want to be excited to get clean, start a new life, but all I feel right now is apathy about it. I am numb. I sincerely hate wds, but I can't find any way around it.
I'm writing all of this so that I can remember later the stupid things I do and think when I am taking pills, or when I am jonesing for them. And, I hope that someday it may help someone else coming here to see that they are SO not alone, and that this is a real struggle.
Day 1 tomorrow. Again. Man, if I had a dollar for every day 1 I've gone through.....
Love you guys.
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