Lesson from a Car Crash
My teen son slid off the road this weekend in ice--not hurt, but his car may be totaled.
He called right after, I asked if he was alright, and told him I'd be right there. I've been dating a man for three months who knows a lot about cars, so I asked him to come help me determine if it was drivable. It wasn't.
While I sat in DS's car and called the insurance company, BF apparently was telling him about the time he totaled his parent's car, and that these things just happen sometimes, not to be too hard on himself.
When we got home, DS stood in the kitchen and said- "Mom, why is he so nice? You've known him for a few months. Already he's been more helpful to me than my own father has ever been." And he burst into tears.
The next day he thanked me again for being so calm and said he was so glad dad was gone. He couldn't imagine what it would've been like if dad were here. In that moment as he talked, my body suddenly felt the surge of anxiety, adrenaline, and fear that I'd have experienced if XAH were here...I can only imagine what DS felt when he thought about it. Wow, I'm glad he's gone.
DS mentioned again how nice it was for BF to be kind. I told him--I think that's actually how people are supposed to behave. We spent years with someone who would judge, punish, and be angry--but you're SUPPOSED to make mistakes. And the natural human response should be concern and caring, not rage.
We've had great conversations over the last few days. DS said it's almost worth what happened to have experienced the kind response he did from a "man". (DS also knows he has to pay the insurance deductible and increase, so he's got consequences--but those don't matter because they're natural and not punitive "just because".)
I thought I'd share because so many of us have lived in eggshell houses. My kids and I are four years free--and still we remember vividly what a striking difference there is between peace & love and fear & anger.
I'm so grateful for peace. And so sad that my kids are still learning what's "normal". I can never undo the past, but I hope to continue re-teaching them with every mistake, every imperfection, and every failure.
No matter how long you've been in it and how old your kids are, you can always choose peace for yourselves and find a new way forward. Hugs to all of you still struggling.