I don't really know why, but I've found myself binge watching intervention the last few weeks.
What's scary is that I found a youtube video of the people who they featured that didn't survive. Like a tribute video a fan had made.
So I went back and watched those episodes.
It seemed to me that every one of the alcoholic episodes they produced felt like it was my life on rewind 10 months ago. It was truly disturbing the quality of life I was willing to accept for me and my family.
I just couldn't believe it.
When I went to the dr for my check up and blood work, she asked me about the anxiety. Without missing a beat, my wife cut me off and told the doctor that i was a completely different person now. That I didn't pace around anymore, have constant anxiety attacks, verbal rants, and overall complete "D-Bag syndrome"...were her words not mine.
So I just listened to my wife for a few minutes describing me now.
When she was done I had tears in my eyes. Not from the shame of my past, but because I had earned her trust back and she was proud of me. That was the best gift of the new year. Well, that and my healthy physical.
So, here I was. 10 months ago, a hopeless alcoholic in the hospital with a diagnosis of severe type 2 diabetes, a weak heart, kidney damage, high liver enzymes and fluid in my belly. The dr said to my wife I wouldn't last much longer if i didn't quit.
Fast foward to me sitting in the dr office at the moment when my wife said all this to my dr. That was really cool.
I almost hate to say it, but I'm proud of myself.
Still, I know all of this can go away with one bad decision.
After being in and out for the last 20 years, I truly now understand what it means in the big book when it said:
"what we have is a
daily reprieve. contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
That screams to me now...that basically, here's your death sentence. Commuted upon how hard you're willing to work in recovery....
I just wanted to write this because I'm so grateful. I feel amazing and I'm happy.
I read a lot of threads on people just getting here, still soaked in their guilt and shame and regret.
I want those people to read this and read what it's like after they crawl their way back from hell, that it gets better. It gets damn right fun at times.
I'm so glad I got this one last shot.
