So where does compassion come into play?
I've been chewing on this for the last two days: I know my AH has been flip-flopping between admitting he has a problem, to vehemently denying it and blaming me for his actions and drinking. I keep hoping he'll hit his ah-ha moment (or rock bottom) and realize he wants the good that comes with a sober life...but how long do you wait for one or the other to stick?
I guess it comes down to how much patience and sanity you have? I feel fresh out, at the moment. I'm sitting on an email that basically yells "stalemate!"
A quote from the actual email:
The part that breaks my heart is this: the more I try to advocate for your sobriety, the more you will feel controlled and disrespected. Which means this is what stalemate looks like. Because if you keep drinking, and I keep hating alcohol, you will continue to lie, and I will continue to be hurt. I will continue to believe you have no control over your drinking, and you will believe you do. I will continue to claim all of this has happened is because you use drinking to cope with your anger, and you will continue to blame me. I will continue to believe I've tried everything I can to save our marriage, and you will believe that my moving out was me choosing to leave you. Our love will eventually be replaced by the constant fighting and resentment and blame. And I don't want to see us get to place where we get bitter and angry, because I believe in the love we shared at the start of this.
This is what irreconcilable differences looks like. Is this what the start of our divorce will look like?
I'm sad to admit it feels like the most vicious of circles, and there's no breaking it until he magically wakes up and decides to get sober, or if I divorce him.
I also am sad to admit that if he does get sober, I don't know how I feel about the possibility of a relapse 3, 5, 20 years down the line and going through this pain again.
So as I asked: where does compassion come into play?
I took vows. I meant my vows. But I liked how it said (I think in Beattie's book) that if we'd known we were signing up for the worse part, the sickness part, the darker part, our decision to marry may have been different...
Also: I have VERY much appreciated your insights and responses. I would have normally been sent into a tailspin, but my own recovering and then this message board has been incredibly helpful.