So I've just passed the 60 days sober mark.
I've been reflecting on things....how I'm feeling emotionally and physically, how my life around me is progressing. It's hard to get perspective I find. Some days (actually, moments really) I feel depressed, stuck, and anxious. And then there are moments of humility, connection and engagement.
I don't know if it's selective amnesia, but physically I'd hoped I'd feel more of an improvement. It's almost as if I'm hyper-aware of every little ache and pain in my body - every twinge and ache is causing me anxiety. I went back to martial arts training after a long hiatus, and was a little *over* enthusiastic. I pushed myself too hard and over-worked my knees. I was humbly reminded that I'm not 25 anymore, and set up an appointment with a physiotherapist. I'm sure there's a nice little lesson to be gleaned here about ego, and self-will 'run amok' as they say in AA. The good news is that I am returning to my training, but I have to be mindful of what my body is telling me and to take it easy.
Beyond that I'm so TIRED all the time. It's like I have a very finite amount of energy that seems to get expended by about mid-afternoon everyday. Some days are better than others, but I find myself getting frustrated that my body isn't able to keep up. Again, I'm constantly reminded that I need to slow down and go easy on myself. But between commitments and a toddler to raise, this feels difficult to do.
One huge improvement - my relationships have improved. No more self-inflicted drama, or impulsive decisions and interactions. No more shame, guilt or secretive behaviour. Not only have things calmed down with loved ones, but I've also been 'forcing' myself to make new connections at AA and re-connect with other casual friends whom I like. Even though we all live busy lives and it's hard to always meet face-to-face, I try to at least make contact and exchange some text messages. I used to have tunnel-vision in this regard and only want to interact with one or two people whom, looking back, I was trying to manipulate in various ways to my own needs. Now I'm trying to expand my interactions and try to come from a place of sincerity without any expectations.
One big issue I've been wrestling with has been the need for instant gratification. It wasn't just through alcohol that I did this, but also relationships, work, smoking, food, shopping, etc. Now that I recognize this I find myself catching it all the time. So I feel kinda.....bummed a lot of the time, or that my life feels very routine and boring right now. I don't even know if that's the right way to describe it. But I do know that I never regret any impulsive decisions anymore, now that everything I do is a lot more measured. I always feel compelled to make BIG important decisions in my mind, just to quel the anxiety. Now I don't. And sure enough, my mind usually changes within a day or so.
Well, this was long and rambling. I probably didn't cover a lot of what I wanted to say, but I figure this is a good start. I'm hoping that others in early recovery can relate, and I'm sure my thoughts are not unique.
Thank you SR for being a huge part of my recovery thus far.
