Hi Eggpal,
First off, I'm am so sorry for your loss! It's devastating, I know. Be sure to give yourself plenty of time to grieve and get through this .........and you will! My prayers are with you.
Secondly, in response to your title "So hard to see happy, recovered people".....I actually know quite a few that are now sober and have been for years. I'm one of them, thank God.
I'm a RA of 11 years and I cannot TELL you how much my life has turned around. Besides, the recent bad choice I made with my xabf due to my own greif of losing both parents, a marraige, colon surgery and my two kids leaving "the nest", there is not a day that goes by that I don't smile or have fun and just be me....silly and goofy.
I realized that life is way too short (I'm sure you feel the same way after losing your AH) and I no longer wake up with monsterous hangovers and make impulsive, wrong decisions. I no longer push the people I love out of my life and I'm not longer angry. I've been forgiven and I have forgiven and that's a HUGE gift.
I would not go back to living like I did for anything. I love life now, even though I still go through trials......it's SO much better dealing with them sober.
Hang in there and keep posting
((hugs))