Sobriety sure puts a whole lot into perspective. It's sad to say that I have 2 significant relationships where I lived with them and I have barely any recollection of it. How can that be?
I mean I remember feeling some kind of love, enough that I made the conscious decision to share 2 years of my life with each of them. Where did those 4 years go? If you ask me what their favorite color is or what their favorite food is I couldn't tell you.
I remember our break-ups were bad and that I was depressed and sad but I feel now that was only because I was once again alone and not really about missing that person just the companionship. The break-ups were always a wonderful reason to go on a binge and get wasted.
My last relationship ended in July 2016 and my friend asked me if I missed him. I had to pause and then it just came to me... NO I don't because I barely remember him. I mean I lived with the guy for 2 years and I knew him for 10 years as a friend. How do I not care? How do I feel nothing? Did Alcohol make a cold emotionless void of person when it comes to relationships?
I love my children and my family. I will cry at the thought of anything happening to them but yet these 2 men whom I shared my life with mean not a thing to me. Is it the alcoholic daze I was in, were those feelings fake? Has anyone experienced these kind of feelings while in relationships during your drinking career?
I also thought about this while making my list in AA. Any man I dated or met during this time is a fog to me.
