Hello mass of clarchers. Hope everyone ok. Interesting day for me -when is it not?. Left early for my community interview- a full 2.5 hours early for a 30 minute bus ride. Checked the official govt. transport bus timetable- wrote down details. Got to stop early. 30 minutes later- no bus. Sent to another stop location by a passing bus driver. Second stop verified by 'local' user and another bus driver. 20 minutes later no bus. Directed to a third location by another bus driver who checked with 'base'. Gave me the bus number, the route and the street. Walked the whole street (about 4k's). No bus, no stops and no set route. 2 hours later, sweating like crazy ( LHS does not sweat- so I can overheat- had water)- temp had already reached 38C- gave up. Lady who I was to meet was ok - rescheduling.
So went to the art class thingy- new person, my muse has moved on. Showed her my stuff- and she iterated if I could put a little more patience in my stuff- she could help me sell it. I was a bit taken a back- considering I only started this 4 months ago. Not letting it go to my head, but. All the low lifes wandered in to 'check out' the new art lady. The last lady was model material. Along with it came all the- I used to be really strong, I am doing this- and want to be a street artist type comments. The same little boys do to impress teacher in grade 7.. So I got up to leave, not wanting to waste my time, get frustrated or say something not nice- but arty lady told me to sit down and proceeded to spend about 30-40 minutes showing me the basics of sketching- using arty principle stuff, not just drawing a duckie and a horsie. I appreciated that.
THEN counselling. I did my homework- reached conclusions and a depth of awareness about my deceased bro (the birthday one) and said I accept this stuff, understand it- time to move on.
Response by the counsellor "Repat that statement'- so I did- 3 times.
The wording changed- so I am not connected yet to my feelings
Response- why are you not connected, are you running away
Next question- ok your have answered that- what are you going to do with that answer.
Next response- OK- So you are going to do this with that answer- what does that tell you.
Next question- You are repeating the same narrative, what is the deep, fundamental, root reason for these responses, questions, feelings, emotions and answers. How do you unpack this. What are you doing to do with this.
And then my brain seized up.
She makes the step work I did with my sponsor look like readies time for kids.
So no amount of writhing, interrupting etc works. I know why she does this. Because I want her to push me as far as she possibly can. I have limited time here- so push myself as far as my alcohol damaged little mind will take. Does not make it a fun experience. The only time I get teary is with her. My past has very little in happy endings. Ugh.
The loonies around me have got over the spirit of family Christmas stuff- one night stands with internet dates, increased use of alcohol outside the recovery place, isolating. One guy seems to be giving up smoking- by drinking.
I have found a resolution to my little toilet issues. My bog is away from main traffic areas- but when the lazy bas..rds run out of their bog paper or their toilet gets filthy- they use mine.
Once again the paper ran out. I did not replace it this time So I now have my own roll. No one else uses it now- not toilet paper- no use. So it stays clean. Small things... I saw one guy run in there, heard the seat slam down. 10 seconds later he comes bolting out seeking another toilet with paper. Small things.
Temp by now was about 42.5. Double ugh.
So I am knackered. No energy, watching pointless doco's and drinking orange/choc tea (thanks Sam).
Was listening to the goon show, now a history of dread noughts. Riveting (literally- ha ha ha). Sick of typing now- I think I will go andtake my beard for a walk.