If I'm honest Dandy, one of the reasons that I don't want to marry this man is because of his youngest. I am not sure I want to commit to him in that way until I see how the future is unfolding. And, I've often wondered why they haven't done therapy either. The mom isn't one to admit a problem, though, because it puts a spotlight on her and my bf is frustrated that he can't talk to the mom about any of this without her getting defensive or making it about HER, instead of about their child. He said sometime the mom will be able to put things into perspective and be rational but it's not often and he is never sure how she'll respond.
My old sponsor got married to a man who had the patience of a saint (it was her second marriage and she had 2 young girls to raise and he had no children of his own). Her daughter, when 15, started using drugs and sneaking out and wreaking havoc in their home. It was a nightmare and she knows it really did a number on her husband at the time. He wasn't familiar with addicts or program. Thankfully, he stuck around and they are still married today and her daughter is 24 now and has been sober for years, but for a while there she was living on the streets.
Anyway, the bf isn't looking to get married, for his own reasons and I'm totally ok with that. Although, his youngest has been pushing for us to marry and she often refers to me as her stepmom. So, in one respect, she will mention inviting the mom into things for her to enjoy and on the other hand, she wants us to get married so that she can have an official stepmom. She's 8, so I don't put much stake into her childhood notions but my heart goes out to her. My sister really struggled after my parents divorced and she was a handful. God bless my stepdad for hanging in there with my mom and my stepmom for hanging in there with my dad because she and my sister clashed BIG TIME, lol.
I'll see about getting that book, Praying. My bf is always open to insight. He's so different from my XAH. With my ex, I would bring home books on Tourette's or how to help kids with executive functioning problems, etc and he would accuse me of labeling our child and of forcing him to acknowledge a problem that he didn't believe existed. Yet, our child was screaming for help.