Originally Posted by
teatreeoil007 
When kids act out, and most of them will....there is usually a REASON. There is a reason for every human behavior. Whether it's open defiance, opposition, passive-aggressiveness. Maybe she is not getting all her needs met, but doesn't know how to go about asking for that. I think most kids [deep down] have a desire for their parents to be together, not apart and not with someone else. "I wish my mom and dad were back together and we could be a happy, normal family". Going between two households is hard too. She's got three parents here: You, her dad, her mom.
It's okay for her to protest, it's okay for her to verbalize, to question. It's not okay for her to kick anyone, though. I wouldn't get into any power struggles about clothes unless she wants to dress in a highly inappropriate way. But, at this age she is going start having certain taste for what she likes in clothes. I remember when my daughter started to get VERY PICKY about what she would wear. My mother didn't really tell me what to wear by the time I 8 years old.
She is an individual and is emerging with likes, dislikes, troubled feelings...maybe she is really hurting inside and doesn't know how to express it. If you stop and think about, her situation sort of stinks at times. She's goes between two households, two parents, each different. You know what it's like to juggle a few things at once as an adult. Kids haven't developed that maturity yet. They're kids. When life upsets them they tend to act out.
I am all for counseling.
In the meantime....you as dad's live-in girlfriend/stepmom need to try and not take what she does personal. She is 'acting out' and kids do that a lot.
I totally agree. Actually, in the past month or so she has made reference to the parents getting back together to her dad. Well, she doesn't come right out and say that but she'll say, "Remember that hike we went on last month? Can we go again soon and this time bring mom?" Her sister berates her for wanting that, though, and I think that hurts the youngest's feelings at times. I try to be understanding as best as I can and my son has been a good sounding board for her, as well. He said she opens up to him and complains about how hard it is to be bounced around from house to house and he, as a child of divorce, commiserates with her and then plays some football with her and she cheers up.
She loves my son and really enjoys his company. He doesn't know how to say no so he tends to just oblige her requests. She's always laughing and having a blast when he's around but he's 18 now and has a job and is finishing high school so he's not around very much, unfortunately.
It's not my job to parent her. I let the parents do that. I act as a sounding board for my bf and I contribute what I can, knowing what little I know about parenting ( my son was easy peasy compared to her), and I don't take what she says personally. If I were her only target, I'd be more sensitive to it, but she lashes out at everyone in the house. It's truly who she is but the parents need to figure out how to manage it better so living in the same house with her is more pleasant for all of us. Her sister is always desperately looking for ways to get away from the youngest. They are not close at all and it's hard to see siblings literally despising each other. Makes my mom heart hurt for both of them.