4 years is a long time to hold a resentment for something that may or may not have happened. they say having a resentment is like drinking poison, hoping it affects the other person.
right now is where your focus needs to be. what do YOU want? and how can you GET there without expecting one single thing from her? you have the right to make choices in your own best interests. to seek the help and healing you need. it's also a good time to examine the "relationship" - look hard at what you are trying to hold on to. sometimes we hold on just to hold on. and later realize there was nothing there.
addicts and all the hoo hah that goes along with them tend to take up all the space, become the center of the universe. it's time for less HER and more YOU.