This disease cuts deep and leaves scars.
The extent of which I am only just beginning to realise 3 years out of my marriage to exah. The crack of a beer being opened still makes me jump. A year ago I met a wonderful man. Am not ready for him. That's the truth. I doubt I ever will be cos I am fundamentally broken. He is patient and kind and we have a lot of fun together but to share my life with him is terrifying to me. I can't trust that much ever again. I need to be in control. I feel destined to be a lonely old woman surrounded by too many cats. My sons live with me until they decide to move on with independent lives and take the edge off the loneliness but I have few friends, having made bad choices of friends ( I ended up in a cult which my dad and boyfriend managed to get me out of) when I first split with exah, I don't trust myself anymore. I invest too much in people who do not give back. I spend my day's sewing, caring for my son's and avoiding socialising. I am estranged from half my children. I travel a bit but mainly alone. Despite this my life is still better than when I was with exah. I have a peace in my heart. It's a solitary, lonely life for me now but it beats what I had before.