Wells

Hi everyone. Hope you are having a nice holiday season.

The holidays can be a tough time for F&F, I think, especially those like me where that final straw, that final step, was so recent. This was my first Christmas without my ex, and obviously it's natural for that to bring up old memories of holidays past (good and bad) and it's also had me doing a lot of reflecting back on my ex, the things I miss about her and of course the things that I don't.

During the holiday gatherings, now over, most of my family was respectful, I'm sure they wanted to know why she wasn't there, but I don't like the attention or the focus, so for the most part, her absence was ignored, though I imagine the grapevine already had spread news of our summer breakup, even to those distant relatives you only see once a year.

One of the most amazing parts of it was a brief interaction I had with an aunt. I had totally forgotten that almost 25 years ago, she split with her husband -- I was just a teenager back then so not in the conversation as to why, though I had recalled it was something about alcohol. Sure enough, she confided in me and asked me so many wonderful questions about what I had been through, and it was remarkably like coming here. What really struck me was how SIMILAR the feelings are when you get caught up in this whirlwind of a mess with alcohol in your family. She remarked at how well I seemed to understand and had been taking the situation. Of course I didn't get into the rollercoaster of it all, but the understanding and knowledge I have received from this community and my own research , namely, the 3 Cs and that the alcohol and the breakup was NOT ABOUT ME was something she was happy to hear me say. Turns out, for the longest time, she struggled with this -- She told me that she felt inadequate, why didn't he want her, why was the drinking more important, etc. It was AMAZING to me, to hear her saying this, after she happily remarried (and has stayed married to a great guy for over 20+ years now)...I could STILL, 25 years later, sense the pain and the anguish in her voice as she told the story. Like, the memories were as fresh as the day they were made. She's doing amazing, and is walking proof of how walking AWAY does wonders, but it's also incredible to see just how deep the cuts of being in a relationship with an alcohol abuser can be.

What this reminded me to do, at this time of year when I reflected back on 10 Christmases with my ex, and other Christmases with other exes past, and this being the first one I woke up ALONE in many years...To remember why I am here. To remember why I had to draw the line in the sand and finally not cross it or let her cross it.

Yet, I knew I still had the love for her. I still would sometimes romanticize the past. I'm still not ready to date yet. I'm still lonely. Yet everyone says, as soon as I say I'm not dating, DO NOT WAIT AROUND FOR HER. Which I of course know better than to do, and continue to be proud of my resolve, despite the fact that the early months were so hard.

We've been in total NC now for over a month, first time ever, though I never officially asked for it, but it has been a mixed blessing. Contact as you all know continued since the breakup, most initiated by her, mostly attempts to stay in touch or get emotional support or just someone to talk to. So my crazy brain of course assumes that she has found my replacement and hence the reason the contact stopped. But I have to try and temper any jealousy and be OK with that, because that's exactly what she has the right to do, and I have no say over it and, in fact, it's what I more expected her to do than try recovery. It is her pattern.

So, the holidays loomed, and I needed to take some inventory. Doing good here. Losing a little weight, work going well, time with friends, neighbors, family great, accomplishing tasks daily. Yet, still the missing piece of my completeness from time to time drifts back. Not the bad parts of course, but those good parts of our relationship that we try and romanticize when we bargain with ourselves that we can make a case to take them back. Maybe it wasn't THAT bad. Maybe I overreacted just like she said I did. Maybe I WAS controlling. Maybe I caused this! Gak!

So I went back. I read posts, stories, on this site, on other sites. I read your stories. I re-read my stories. I looked for other guys like me who were in the early stages of this. What did I learn?

She fits almost EVERY pattern universally. How many times do I need to read these other posts for it to sink in? It's not like a LITTLE similar. It's a LOT similar. How many times have you read in this forum "My god, I could have WRITTEN your post!" It's so true, right? I mean the whole walks/talks like a duck thing, it's just astounding to me. Even moreso, the patterns of a female alcoholic, and the way she uses words like CONTROLLING to defend the drink. The way that the words ANXIETY and DEPRESSION almost almost come into the story. The way that the trust erodes. It affects us guys differently, I think. We typically are protective of our mates and also can be a bit jealous when we see that attention going to another (the bottle, which when we question it mutates into attention away from the house, attention with other people, etc). It's a terrible thing we go through.

But it IS exactly that story. That is what I lived. I can remember our good times and I do. But then in the next mental breath, I need to remember all the things that were eating away at my soul. Listening to the horrible vomiting. The unexpected drunk days that just came out of nowhere. The horrible crack of that next beer after way too many or the clink of the wine glass. All the empty bottles. The gradually increasing aggressiveness with each sip. The TV and music getting turned up to deafening levels when I tried to ignore it. The unwanted attention in public. The smell of alcohol through the pores that she could never smell herself. The lost time together because she couldn't bring herself to get dressed. The uncertainly of where she was, and with who, in the dead hours of night. The sadness on her dog's face when she didn't came home. All of this, and so much more, is what I need to remember came along with all the good stuff in those 10 years.

Those things are things that no one should ever have to live through. And evidenced by my aunt, when you do, it never ever leaves, no matter how good it gets. This disease cuts deep and leaves scars.

Any of you who made it this far, who may be in the same holiday funk, or missing companionship or love, just as much as I am, I only ask you this -- Remember why you are here. Remember the reasons that you had to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Remember that you can love them, but you also need to stand your ground, watch your own side of the street, and love yourself more. Love yourself this holiday season.

Peace be with all!