Hi Munchkin
I hope you're feeling a little better.
I still have 'thoughts' that are very sad. For example, if my daughter and friends are alone in the house for a few hours I'll think "they might find something". Its a quick, rather vague, thought/feeling but its there. I'm only a little over 4 months so I know that's normal. But its still unsettling. When my daughter is in my bathroom (where my walk-in closet is) I still get a bit anxious....like I'm hiding something in the closet. Ugh.
These long established patterns of behavior take time to change. And I'm not sure my daughter will ever really trust me in the way that normal people have the trust of their children. Addiction is just too scary and unpredictable. I'm ok with that. I just try to make a living amends each day by being sober. That's about all I can do.