Hi, wishingdreaming--welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here b/c it sounds like you need all the support you can get. This is a wonderful place for both education and inspiration, and I hope you find help here.
First of all, let me say that you are not alone in still loving your alcoholic/addict even as you signed the divorce papers. Many of us here feel the same. But love is NOT going to get him sober and make him be the husband and father you want him to be, as you've already seen. While things were different when you first met him, at this point he has pretty clearly shown himself to be an abusive, manipulative alcoholic/addict who is incapable of handling normal life responsibilities or of treating you or his children with respect and love.
And a life like that is what you'd be in for, had you stayed w/him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and things would only get worse as time passed (unless he got help, which I saw no indication in your post of him wanting to do).
I see that you've checked into the stickies and are looking into counseling. Can I also suggest Alanon? It costs nothing and can be extremely helpful as far as "real-world" contacts to help you through.
Although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, I think his insistence on cutting all contact is a blessing in disguise. This man has nothing--NOTHING--good to offer you or your children right now. If a miracle happens and he finds recovery, certainly he can re-establish contact w/you then. In the meantime, which could be a very very long time, your energies are far better spent in building a secure, joyful life for yourself and the children.
It's frightening, looking ahead and not knowing how things will work out, but they do--I promise, they really do. Here are a couple of threads on that topic, and they are only a small sampling:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ep-crying.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-like-now.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ars-later.html
I hope you keep reading and keep posting here, wishingdreaming. I look forward to the day that your "wishingdreaming" has become a solid and beautiful reality!