wishingdreaming

Hi everyone. I have been lurking for a while, visited here several years ago when I ended a relationship with an alcoholic and wouldn't you know I ended up marrying an alcoholic & marijuana user shortly after. They were complete opposites and I think I was just ready to settle down when I met my now ex husband. I am really struggling with my choice to leave, especially with the holidays.
Our divorce was finalized this week. He wanted a large sum of money ($20k) and zero visitation, which I agreed to so the kids wouldn't have to stay overnight with him & his son (I have 2 under 2, he has a 9 yr old). Now my ex mother in law is pressuring me about her relationship with the kids. In the past I told her I wouldn't keep them from her but she didn't help me when I reached out during my marital problems and has seen my almost 2 year old maybe 10 times max since she was born.i also don't trust her to prevent my ex & his son from seeing them and considering he has stated several times he doesn't want them and has yelled at the oldest to shut up because she was talking while he was trying to sleep on the couch, I don't want them around my kids. I have talked to my pediatrician & lawyer about the situation & they have advised to either cut off contact so the kids don't get confused (why does dad have full custody of our brother & doesn't want to see us) or limit her visits to my house. I finally told my ex MIL she could have them for a few hours for Christmas at her house but that would be the last time. She divorced my exs dad as soon as her youngest was in high school for his drinking and verbal abuse & I don't want the cycle to repeat with my kids. Plus she's encouraging me to stay and pray for things to improve which I think is hypocritical since she divorced for the same reasons I am.
A little background...When things were good, they were amazing. He made me laugh, was super respectful and he actually asked about my day and remembered things I talked about and took care of me. We got engaged after a year together and he got his 3rd OWI when he was on his was home from celebrating our engagement with his buddies. The 2 previous were 10 years prior when he was 21 & shortly after his dad died so I told myself this was a test and I needed to prove I was in it for the long haul because I loved him. He cleaned up for a year after that, even quit cigarettes, and we were just the happiest couple. Would race home every night after work & stay up late talking plus the chemistry was just amazing.
A month or two before we had our first child together he smoked weed again when he spent time with a group of friends he had distanced himself from. His ex was killed by her boyfriend 3 days after our daughter was born so we got full custody of his son, who he previously had every other weekend & one night a week until 7. His son has extreme anger issues, which his teacher & pediatrician flat out told us so that's not me being an evil stepmom, and stated he was that way prior to his moms death so that plus a newborn was a terrible combination.
The stress of going from basically zero to 2 kids led him to get high and wasted every night. At this point I was the only one with a license so instead of enjoying maternity leave I was driving him and his son 45 min across town in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon. I was miserable. A few months later he got let go from his job because he couldn't pass a drug test, eventually he found another one that didn't drug test. During this time I started counseling, I begged him to go too but he wouldn't. He also said he would stop getting high "when he ran out" which he never did. So he would be up gaming and drinking/smoking til 2 am which meant even though he was up, I was the one tending to the baby.
Shortly after this, my birth control failed due to some medicine I was on (we hadn't been intimate in months and it was like 3 days before my period was due so I didn't bother using backup contraception which is my fault) and I got pregnant again. He was super happy, but I was very upset at the prospect of adding another child to our unhappy home. I gave him an ultimatum & he agreed to quit smoking & cut back on drinking, which he did for a while. after giving him several more ultimatums, & then finding his hidden stash that he lied about, I filed for divorce & moved out with our daughter.
During this time he begged for another chance, then lashed out and destroyed my house by punching holes in walls (was mine prior to us meeting) & quit paying any bills. He finally moved out once stepsons schoolyear was over, but the few times we tried to work on things it never seemed to work. he walked out of couples counseling & when I tried moving back home he kicked me out of the house 6 months pregnant at midnight with a sick child & wouldn't let me return to get her meds. He also called me about every name you can think of and would tell our daughter "mommy is a b****" and other stuff like that. Of course I made excuses to rationalize his behavior because that's what I do best.
When our 2nd child was born I let him stay at the house (I had moved back at about 7 months pregnant when he moved out) so he wouldn't miss the birth. we ended up scheduling an induction due to a medical issue & he got wasted 2 nights before it and woke up me and our daughter around 2 am. He then proceeded to sleep all the next day leaving me to take care of our daughter on basically no sleep. He left the night before I was induced because I was a b****, came to the hospital when our 2nd was born and then left in a rage because I wouldn't let him move home and "be a family again."
Any advice on how to explain this to my kids as they age, encouragement that this is best for my kids, and how to distance myself from my ex MIL would be great. At the end my ex was begging for another chance stating "this time would be different" but after about a year of him not paying any bills, including his car payment I took the loan out for when he finally got his work permit because he had bad credit, I told him I had to do this so I could afford daycare for 2 and my other bills but we could try to work on our relationship if he wanted. He said if we got divorced it was over and has cut off contact since he signed the paperwork, with the exception of dropping a few gifts off for the kids including a card saying he didn't abandon them and he tried his hardest to fix things but some things just can't be fixed. I'm so stressed and upset my life has turned out this way and I hate to admit this after writing about all the bad things we've gone through, but I still love him & signing the divorce paperwork was the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him, feel guilty the kids don't have a dad and worry that I won't be able to recover financially & will have to sell my house & move in with my parents.
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading. And I have read the stickies & codependent no more and am starting individual counseling back up.