Sounds like a pretty complicated situation.
I can't even pretend to offer advice about polyamory - but I am worried there seems to be something addictive about this - something complicated and deep, even dramatic, something obsessional, wanting a fantasy versus reality?
I'm not trying to offend. I'm well aware I'm very much 'vanilla' in these areas
There's something grounding about abiding by a do no harm rule - to yourself or others.
I'd maybe stay there while you figure this all out?
D