Day 47 - dreading the Christmas holiday
Flying back tomorrow to the UK from here in Frankfurt. I've lived in a world of work doing 12 hour days in office 7 days a week but now I'm going to spend a week back in the UK and I'm worried
I'm going back because my ex has agreed to let me have the kids for 2 days - first time I've seen them since we split in September.
Just trying to condition myself not to drink but the AV has been very strong this last week
Ex wife keeps changing her mind whether she wants to see me but yesterday she sent me a bunch of topless pics from her phone. She left me for someone else but that has broken down now and she texted and said she is lonely and down but I just don't think I could ever go back after all that has happened. And whenever I am with her I want to drink. I've only ever been able to stop when we have been apart.
She's very attractive but ultimately she's very demanding too.
Wish I wasn't going back at all but I might not see the kids again for months. Just trying to decide how it's going to be before I go rather than letting events happen
Work is my routine and I know that on holiday I will be vulnerable to my AV. Will try and study every day all day
I know I'm entering a very dangerous phase. Last time I drank I tried to kill myself with paracetamol and spent 3 days in intensive. Also I gambled away $6,000 on credit card in 1 hour. I'm a idiot when drunk and it terrifies me