Originally Posted by
LexieCat 
Your boys are now 18, right? Legally, adults? I know they have challenges, and I get your need to be there for them, but maybe it's time to let them navigate their own relationship with their dad. You can stop inviting him, facilitating visits, etc. They know the score. You can give them resources for counseling to help them process this relationship and step away from the insanity, yourself.
You could sit them down and tell them that you will treat them like grownups on this, and you're always there for them to turn to if they need you, but that you are going to trust them to make their own choices about spending time with him.
As you've seen, it's not possible for you to prevent them from being hurt by this, as long as they choose to keep engaging with him. Without you to run interference for them, they might reach the right conclusions a lot faster.
You are spot on and it is exactly what I have done. l told them exah has blighted my life for over 20 years and it stops right now. I acknowledged they are legally adults and how they run their relationship with their dad is up to them. I said he was not coming round to our home anymore, or invited to events outside it I have organised for them. No more pretending to be a happy family. I discussed counselling again and one said he was talking to friends online. The advice he has had so far is sound as he told me what they had said. My autistic son sees no need for any at the moment as he has quietly bowed out of contact with exah a few weeks ago and says he has read up on why his dad is like he is and that is why he decided to stop seeing him as he knows nothing is going to get any better. Followed by "Have we any snacks?"lol
I know I need to stop beating myself up over eldest, especially, being so sad and upset as I am sure exah is hurting both boys to get at me. I think they have realised this for themselves now too.
The weird outcome of this chat was eldest son seems to have needed permission to take control and now he has it he is going too. Me saying I was done with exah seems to have made him realise he can be too if that makes any sense? Thank you
