So... the other shoe dropped today. After a couple of phone calls wherein my stepmom said they hadn't yet discussed/decided what they wanted to do with the money, she called to day to say they had decided, and they now want to take FIFTY k of the house sale proceeds and give $10k to each of her three kids AND $10k to each of my two kids.
When they were first discussing the money, this is what they wanted to do, and they backed off to $30k, and then to considering $20k in "gifts." I said, what about my brother's son? My stepmom said they didn't feel he "needed" it so much.
Well, this all feels VERY weird to me. My stepmom said they don't HAVE to give money to my kids, but she is definitely going to give the $30k to her kids. I had mentioned this to my ex when it all first came up, and he made me feel a little guilty (not that that was his intention--I know him), pointing out that my older son is going back to finish his degree and could probably use the money. My younger son isn't in that position, but he works in a call center and probably will need a new car before too long. My nephew has a well-paying professional job (though he's got two young kids).
I couldn't argue with them any more about it--we talked through all the finances, and they know where they stand. I doubt it will make much ultimate difference in how long they can support themselves. They will be fine if nobody winds up in long-term care, and if they do, they have enough to be fine till their late 90s if they live that long.
So I called my brother first and let him know. I told him how awkward I felt about this, and offered to ask them to split the money they planned to give my kids three ways instead of two. He said no, he just wouldn't mention it to his son at all, and he agreed we did what we could to get them to conserve the resources. After what my ex pointed out, I didn't feel right about refusing on behalf of my kids.
Bottom line, it's their money to spend as they see fit. I feel like I did my job, and did my best to be fair. I just have to let it go.
I'm talking to my ex tonight so we can sort of strategize on encouraging the kids (who are 28 and 30 and fairly responsible) to use the money wisely. I don't want them blowing it all at once. Ultimately, though, that will be THEIR money.
And then, I gotta just let it go.