wanttobehealthy

So, I'm wondering who else has had this experience...

For years, both while with my xAH and during the process of my divorce I waffled between feeling angry/sad/confused- angry at his behavior and at my tolerating it, sad at the demise of the idea of what I thought life might have been with him and confused by his behavior...

Then the divorce was finally final and I felt relief and still anger -- relief that I was done with the years of legal battles and anger still at his actions and their impact on our kids and me...

And now, a year after it was finally final (5+ years in the making), and a year of his behavior growing ever more unstable, his antics causing great harm to our kids, a year of his bringing chaos to my work place and continued violations of all court orders, I feel mostly pity for him and sad for him ... I almost prefer when I felt angry... feeling sad for him from afar and pitying him and wishing for him that he finds a way to seek the help he needs, feels a lot more uncomfortable than anger...

Is this part of the detaching process? Moving from anger to pity from afar to ???

Today at work a Supreme Court (in my State) Justice came to speak at a staff meeting about recognizing the signs of mental illness in kids and shared a story of his son's battle with alcoholism and how it masked serious mental health issues. I struggled to fight back tears. His story of his sons demise was nothing short of a mirror description of my xAH.

I have had a very hard time shaking how sad I feel since the meeting...

My xAH had such talents, such a bright life before him, such great opportunities, and he squandered it all for alcohol and I believe wholeheartedly that the alcoholism is really a means of self medicating for him-- mental illness runs rampant in his family and carries such a stigma that he always rejected help, even though I suspect he knew he needed it.

The Justice who spoke today explained that his sons only saving grace was that he was sent to prison (for a violent assault against his own father) and it was there that he received the psychiatric help he needed and was diagnosed accurately.

I spoke to him afterward to thank him for sharing his story and he shared with me that statistically, the greatest provider of mental health treatment for adults, occurs in prisons in this country.

I hope that my xAH will get himself help before he dies or lands in jail... I am seriously beginning to doubt that will occur... And it's a rude awakening to realize it I guess...

The antics he pulled several weeks ago with our daughter have resulted in serious legal consequences to him and more importantly, serious damage to our daughter...

Seeing the wake of damage and chaos he has left behind him due to his mental health issues and self medicating alcoholism just breaks my heart for everyone his chaos impacts... Just feeling sad...