Ok, I'm scared to post because I don't want you to be angry or hurt by what I say. And I definitely don't want to argue
For me recovery, abstinence, living a full life without alcohol, whatever ya want to call it takes time. I have only 4 months, which is nothing. I do try to live in the moment cause its all that matters. Of course, an eye on the future, as I think you may have worded it, but I don't live there. For me, the steps are a program for me to deal with my past. I have done a ton of therapy....empty the messy sock drawer, talk about all the socks, wash them, organize them, put them away. And Pow! The socks are still there, when I least want to see them. I'm not saying therapy doesn't help, and EMDR has helped with my PTSD. But the past? How do I process that stuff? Let it go? The steps. And I have faith, because I see it working everyday in the fellowships, that it will work for me too, if I do what is suggested. Ok my point? I need a 'way' of letting the past go. You have mentioned your faith in God. As AA says 'may you find him/her now'
You may not see this but you so deserve a smart, compassionate, intelligent, single/available, healthy person. You have talked about doing healthy things, not poisoning your body etc. I would ask you to consider (and you probably already have) that this man is another poison. I would suggest that he was/is an addiction. You looked forward to seeing him, you obsess/obsessed about him, he probably made you 'high' to a degree. But the high stopped working. It got ugly. You felt ashamed, guilty. You even thought you may have contributed to a suicide attempt. Now? You're missing him. You're obsessing. You're detoxing. What is life without him?
That may seem melodramatic but that's kind of what I see. So its back to the recovery vs abstinence drawing board. That's just what I would do. It's a process....it takes time. I know you're not an AAer so I guess that's not an option. But I know I have a void in my soul and I can find all number of things to try to fill it. But anything external to me is impermanent...then I'm left with that hole. I don't have to drink because of the hole, but I have to fill it with something.
You're not alone.