Oh I feel the pain in your post and relate to it so much. I too failed and failed and failed again until I didn't. Even now, confident that I never, ever want to drink again and never will I am on my toes, watching out for any relapse. We always have to be careful.
It is just the worst feeling in the world to look at your kids and realise what you are doing and feel so helpless to change, but it IS possible. I was always trying my best to be a good mother. I really was trying. But I was failing in so many ways. Two particular incidents really crushed my soul and will stay with me until the day I die. At the end of my drinking I was up to 3 or more bottles of wine a day, starting in the morning. One day I was drunker than usual and couldn't go get my kids from school. Somehow I managed to remember them and call the nanny to go get them. She brought them home to find me passed out on my front terrace, covered in red wine stained vomit and shuffled the kids inside so they didn't have to see me like that (too late, they already had). They of course asked "what's wrong with mommy?" She told them I had a headache and needed to rest. But they knew what was going on. Some weeks later I took them to a nearby restaurant because I couldn't get it together to cook for them (hey, at least I was ensuring they ate, right?
) I was well on my way to getting drunk, visibly so and my older son (then 7) said to me in the most heartbreaking and angry voice ever "mommy I HATE it when you get a headache" He didn't understand what getting drunk was or alcohol or things like that, but he associated my drunken behaviour, slurry words, short temperament with "having a headache" as the nanny had explained.
Unbelievably so I still kept on drinking for months after that. I felt there was no way out, I couldn't find the way out, I simply could not stop, not even for a day. Everyone here kept suggesting rehab and I pushed back saying there was no way in the world I could leave my responsibilities- household, work or my kids- for a month. But finally I came to a point where there was no other option. I was killing myself, or at a minimum killing my soul and running my children's lives. I managed to set up a plan for everything and went away to rehab for a month. Lo and behold everyone survived in my absence. I have had one extended relapse (a month back on drinking) since then but am back at sobriety and I know I never would have been able to get where I am without going to rehab. It saved my life and that of my children's.
I cannot tell you how much our relationship has thrived in these past 8 months. It is glorious. They trust me again, they love me again, we have fun together, they want to be with me, be around me, talk to me, snuggle with me. I take very good care of them- not just their basic needs, but also the "extras" of paying close attention to them when they speak, checking their school backpacks and looking at their work, planning for special movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, inviting their friends over for play time, taking them to the park, being patient when they have bad days or moments. It is not always easy and I do sometimes struggle but it is better with the intensity of a million white hot shining suns.